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| Dear John, Beware, beware, you may just fill your underwear.... For I am the Androgynous Incubus Of Rock, so beware, beware, but please don't fill your underwear, cos I hate bad smells. Apart from the rancid stench of Hell that stalks you from my open crypt, of course.... Mmwah. Mmmmmwah. Mmmmmmmwah-ha-ha-ha-hah! Anyway, J, my problem came to light when I was in the studio working on my new 78 track album, "The Bitch Mice of Indeterminate Gender From Hell Who Really Hate Their Parents, Man." I was having 'one of those days': my eye doctor sent me the wrong contact lenses (I think I got that monkey boy's from Limp Bizkit) so I had to bear the indignity of both my eyes being the same colour, I cut my head shaving and got some make-up in the gash which really stung even though I stuck a bit of bathroom tissue on it, and my five year old niece laughed when I tried out my new scary stare on her. Like, none of this was cool man. SO not cool! Zoiks! I got the munchies. And then, for the love of Gandalf, a great big MOUSE ran across the mixing desk, like some sinister warning not to make a work of art about he and his furry bitch fiends. My little niece - she's the new drummer, although I hope she will grow up to be a, like, sort of, kinda Lady Galadriel - just giggled at the thing, and then frowned at me, kinda nasty I might add, when I jumped up on my chair and tucked my very log legs up under my very long body. For I am serpent of Sauron, ssssssssssssssssssssss (FOR CRYING OUT FAKKIN LAHD! -JL) Forsooth, the rodent did then proceed to scamper up and down the stairs. It was still tormenting me when the rest of the guys arrived, but they claimed they could not see it! "Another mind mouse huh, Norma Jean?" they sneered. "But it's there, on the stair!" "Where on the stair?" "Right there! A little mouse with clogs on!" But of course, there is good in every bad can of worms (my teachers, when they weren't sodomising my ass, were always saying I would grow up to be a philososopher). I cleverly incorporated this exchange into the lyrics of one of my new songs. I think it is my most original work to date. They may even like it in Europe, England. Take me seriously, you pussies. I command it, by the power of Greyskull! Marilyn Manson, The Dark Side of Your Ass
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| Right, Mazza. You are a 30 odd year old adolescent angstmonger, who does not possess the wit, originality, and fuck-me-or-leave-me-alone attitude of the best teenagers. You have no talent whatsoever and would never have become anything if you had been born outside America. You're about as androynous as Dame Edna and about as outrageous as Danny La Rue. Am I missing the humour? I don't think so - I laugh me fakkin bollocks off every time I clap eyes on you. You look like fakkin shit! You are bad taste incarnate, just a big soft goth. Even Siouxsie Sioux looks better than you. Go away and infect somebody else, preferrably one of your clones who think that wearing black nail polish makes them superior to Steps fans. -JL
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